GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
You Might Also Like
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’