Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud