The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Pringles
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶