Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
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The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”