Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
You Might Also Like
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur