Ken is short for chicken
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*