Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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If the grocery store didn鈥檛 want me to climb shelves then they wouldn鈥檛 put things so up so high.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I鈥檓 in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
M谩n: Well hello there
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I鈥檓 controlling them with my mind, that鈥檚 normal right?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that鈥檒l be $18.50
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine