Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe