Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.