Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*