5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.