I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My plans: 2020:
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Ferrari squats
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.