Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Holy moly
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat