Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
yeah no that’s fair
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed