Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“I took care of your clown problem.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.