DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Breaking news:
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.