Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.