My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.