Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”