I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
why would tinder want me to say this
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐