When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*seductively corrects your posture*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
guys I’m going home
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.