Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
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[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.