When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying