[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*pronounces UPS like yoops
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.