I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.