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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now