It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.