me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I saw nothing
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!