A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Venn
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Mornin
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.