Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Wikigenius
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him