When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Breaking news:
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
i spent way too long on this
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.