I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*