business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.