They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first