Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.