My teenage children choosing violence
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out