Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You Might Also Like
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Just how popey was the pope today?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!