my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.