‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch