I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
😆this is so true
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Seems kinda suspicious
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
How funny!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.