Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting