i did the math
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.