“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.