Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.