Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Every photo I’m tagged in
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Always the camel, never the toe.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright