tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
i think my razor is having a panic attack
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Sheep
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.