[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Mouse
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.