If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
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‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean