[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The French cow says MEUX…
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”