I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”